The following is an excerpt
PvD: Majesty. I prefer "Majesty". Or "Highness".
VA: Majesty, Where is Australia?
PvD: That depends. How are you planning to get here?
VA: By air.
PvD: Well, that's easy. It’s just down there in the bottom right hand corner.
VA: What if I came to Australia by sea?
PvD: You can’t. You simply can’t do that.
VA: Why not?
PvD: Because it’s not there.
VA: But you said just now it's right there, down in the bottom right hand corner.
PvD: If you come by air.
VA: I don't understand.
PvD: Look, it's really quite simple. If you come by sea there’s absolutely no Australia. It doesn't exist. It’s disappeared.
VA: But how can that be?
PvD: You've heard of the Bermuda Triangle?
VA: Of course.
PvD: Well we've got the Exclusion Zone, just sort covering all of Australia.
VA: Bermuda Triangle? Exclusion Zone?
PvD: Yes, absolutely! All sorts of things have disappeared there. The Labor Party. Kim Beazley’s guts.
VA: Really? Like a Klingon Cloaking Device.
VA: So what actually happens if I try to get to Australia by sea?
PvD: It's really quite amazing. Quite spooky. It turns out no matter what direction you sail you end up at Nauru.
VA: Is that part of Australia?
PvD: Not at all. We just sling Nauru a few quid now and then to pretend they're part of Australia. It's a fortune to them. They're pathetically grateful.
Although, in a sense, Nauru is part of Australia. Most of it was dug up and spread all over Australian farms anyway. There's almost nothing left. They've dug so much of it away, if it wasn't for the walls of the detention centre, the whole island would be under water.
VA: Who needs global warming? Ha ha!
PvD: (Pause) We don't do global warming.
VA: So do you let anyone in at all?
PvD: Skilled migrants.
VA: Skilled migrants?
PvD: What we want is people who are skilled at fruit picking and toilet cleaning and don’t expect to get paid as much as a white man. It's a fortune to them. They're pathetically grateful.
VA: “A wages race to the bottom”.
PvD: Look, don't be ridiculous. It's simply an economically responsible policy to pay as little as possible for essential services so that fair dinkum Australians can maintain the lifestyle they expect without being reduced to actual work.
VA: So, just to summarise, you seal your borders by not having any? By disappearing them?
PvD: Right, but we're also proactive. We're willing to go anywhere in the world to seal our borders and discourage people from coming here. We already have a diplomatic mission to Iraq.
VA: You mean the Australian Wheat Board?
PvD: La la la la. I can't hear you. I can't recall. I have no recollection. I've gone a bit deaf in that ear. War wound. It never happened. I wasn't there. I can't read. The department head didn't tell me. I had my back to the room. La la la.
(Pause) Did you say something?
VA: As you say, there's a war going on in Iraq. How can you have a dipomatic mission?
PvD: Well, it's the army. We've sent our soldiers over there to negotiate with the Iraqis not to come here.
VA: With guns.
PvD: Very effective negotiating position.
VA: So in a sense you're sealing our borders in the Middle East.
PvD: Exactly. The whole of the rest of the world will disappear. Except for Nauru.
VA: Are our soldiers good enough?
PvD: Listen, buddy! Australians are the best bloody soldiers in the world because they learnt to shoot chickens in the bum with an air-rifle when they were kiddies on the farm. Our soldiers have a proud reputation for their cultural sensitivity and their ability to relate to weird people in strange clothes. Before they shoot them.
VA: Majesty, thank you.
PvD: Always a pleasure.
people where they belong
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